From hatred to love. When I stopped trying to change my in-laws, I found healing.

 

My Chaotic Marriage Helped Me Evolve!

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Irealized I never wrote anything about my married life, yet there’s so much I have to share with you.

I have been married for 4+ years. And the first 2 years were pure chaos.

In PAKISTAN, or at least with me, we live with our in-laws after marriage.

Yes, you can move out, but that wasn’t an option for me as my in-laws are old, and my husband is the only son (which means he is supposed to care for them).

If you are not from PAKISTAN, I know you will find many things weird, but even PAKISTAN is changing, and very soon, this culture of living with parents or in-laws might not be there!

Now, let me give you a background check.

I belong to a family where my parents never differentiated between a daughter and a son. Okay, I mean, they don’t have a son in the first place.

But they have raised me to be an independent woman who earns her money and knows how to take a stand for herself whenever required.

A son is considered more important than a daughter in my husband’s family. My in-laws had five daughters before they finally had a son.

My mother-in-law was treated poorly by her in-laws when she lived in the village because she could not give birth to a male child.

There’s a lot of trauma, conditioning, and nuance in this.

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I was in a relationship with my husband for 10 years before we married, and he is nothing like his family. His mentality is very different, and he is a gem.

And if I’ve been able to survive this marriage, it’s because of him.

The first 2 years were chaotic because of the differences of opinion between me and my in-laws and my decision to take a stand for myself.

• My mother-in-law didn’t want me to wear pajamas inside the house, or jeans and a T-shirt outside.
• She wanted me to handle all the household chores and not involve my husband much.
• They wanted me to leave my night-shift job, but I couldn’t because I didn’t have an option back then, and I was also responsible for taking care of my parents.
• They wanted me to visit my parents less often because married women are not supposed to do that.
• They wanted me to conceive as soon as possible because that’s why people get married, right?

I can go on and on. But I don’t want to remember all the incidents that once traumatized me.

And don’t worry, I always took a stand for myself and did whatever I felt was right. And my husband gave me full support.

My in-laws now know we will not go by what they think is right. So, there’s no more chaos. We still get into arguments sometimes, but I try to stay away because I know I can’t change their conditioning.

Here are a few lessons I learned from my marriage.

1. You can get through everything if you have a good partner.

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I am not against staying with in-laws or parents. It is a part of PAKISAN's culture, although it is changing.

But if you have a partner who supports you with everything and doesn’t ask you to change because of what others think, you will get through everything.

I don’t hate my in-laws, but I used to. My husband helped me heal, made me empathetic, and helped me focus on things that make me a better person instead of overthinking what my in-laws and other family members thought or said.

2. You must take a stand for yourself.

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You will be shocked at how many PAKISTANI  women abandon their dreams and aspirations after marriage. They live exactly as my in-laws want. They take care of the household chores, and the family members, give birth, and that’s it.

There’s nothing wrong with this if the woman genuinely wants such a life, but that’s not often the case.

I was not brought up that way, where I could sacrifice my dreams to live the life that was expected of me. And I am happy that I always took a stand for myself.

3. Stop hurting them back.

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When you go through all the chaos I mentioned, the first thing that might come to mind is that you want to hurt them, maybe with words—an argument.

And that happened a lot initially.

But, eventually, I realized these are broken people who don’t even understand empathy, spirituality, psychology, and so many other things that make you human.

And that’s sad. You can’t even teach them because of the mental blockages they have.

So, I stopped trying, and I stopped thinking of hurting them back, even when they said something that hurt me.

4. Acknowledge the good things too.

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I know this is tough. I know this takes a lot. But understand that no human is all black or white. Everyone is a shade of gray.

Despite all the clashes between me and my in-laws, I started noticing that they have some — sorry, a lot — of good qualities.

• They would forget and forgive easily.
• They loved my husband like crazy, so they tried to accept me because they understood how much my husband loved me!
• They cared about my health, lifestyle, and what I was eating, even when I wasn’t the kind of daughter-in-law they wanted.

I am tearing up while I write this, but there’s more that I can’t seem to recollect right now.

From someone who used to hate her in-laws to someone who loves them despite all the differences, my marriage has truly helped me evolve as a human being.

Thank you for reading. If you like my work, please show some support. Have a great day!